If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
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Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
oppen heimer style lol
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.