@justaride: If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you'll eventually be abducted.
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@dubstep4dads: [i wake up confused] KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are! ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom KIDNAPPER: shit
@lecalabara: Caught my son running a Google search for "adult entertainment". I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
@iRowlf: Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
@Reverend_Scott: Don't forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else's expectations today!