“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.