@justaride: If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you'll eventually be abducted.
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@SteveSuckington: [first date] "You're not into anything weird right?" -not at all *gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
@AmishPornStar1: I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria's Secret catalog... But all they sent me was her underwear.
@aparnapkin: Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
@ArfMeasures: TORTURER: I'm gonna water-board u ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher* ME: Oh shit