@justaride: If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you'll eventually be abducted.
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@Bandersnaaatch: On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I've eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
@internetluke: [trying to talk to girl] Ha so you from around here? "Ya" Cool me too. I love planet earth
@Brentweets: "Hi doc!" "Hi! What is that behind your ear?" "Nice try, too old for the coin trick" "No it's a tumor" "Oh my god" "Kidding it's a quarter"