If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
The smoothest fall of all time
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.