If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.