@bridger_w: If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, "I thought this was FAST food." The place will never recover from that mega burn
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@Trudacious: You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you're paying attention to her.
@Book_Krazy: I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let's see if he notices.
@jwoodham: There's a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.
@iAmDelFreaky: I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora. Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.