If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.