If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
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*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Cats (2019)
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
The glory of fall.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.