If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Sending in my taxes
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
no one likes gloating
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that