@robfee: If you have twins name them Adam & Steve so when someone says "Uh, it's Adam & Eve" you can be like "OH REALLY?" and have the boys attack!!
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@nihilist_arbys: Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you've ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
@nolifecoach: To the woman with the screaming kids in Walmart: If you're wondering how the condoms got in your cart....You're welcome
@SteveSuckington: [1st time on phone with a girl] I've got butterflies in my stomach It's so cute that you're nervous [eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?