I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
FINE, I WON’T.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”