[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?