@OhMyBlondie: If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don't think you understand what it is we do here.
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@pleatedjeans: [cruising down highway in friend's car with windows down] me: [opens bag of glitter]
@AmishPornStar1: I'm not saying she's worse than my mom... But my wife doesn't seem to like any of my girlfriends.
@BGH70: The Golden Globe goes to… Burrito … for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.