I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
When you’re here for the treats.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Big Sex has us all fooled
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.