If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.