If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
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Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
This was a bad idea all around
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them