“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok