If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
You Might Also Like
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Worlds greatest photobomb
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.