If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
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My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it