@TheAlexNevil: If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
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@envydatropic: They say all dogs eventually look like their owners........that's unfortunate for your dog
@Tmoney68: People always ask why I'm wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
@InternetHippo: “What attracted you to our company?” Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
@YupKirsten: Me: siri, dial pizza hut. Siri: dialing Peter Prat. Me: cancel, dial for pizza. Siri: you want jesus? Me: no, I want pizza. Siri: you want a freezer? Me: no siri, I just want pizza. Bitch. Siri: dialing mom.