If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little