@Breadery: If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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@TheHyyyype: ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
@Cuntypants: Sorry I yelled "SURPRISE!" when you caught me in bed with your husband. I was unaware that you don't like surprises.
@CourtneyBale: [courtroom] Timothy: I was not involved Victor: Nor was I Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri- Judge: You're all going to jail
@WilliamAder: I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.