@Breadery: If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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@chadchaines: [phone makes noise] [gets giddy about how popular I'm about to feel] Oh. It's an email about car insurance. [quietly dies a little inside]
@NYC_Blonde: My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he'd rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
@BeardSpice: [God creating spiders] What if I made a tiny land octopus that could walk on walls?
@bobvulfov: GOLFER: what r u thinkin ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use