If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Seas the day!!!!
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.