If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
yall want some gasoline milk
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.