@MikeCanRant: if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot
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@AmishPornStar1: Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath, Is NOT considered "helping her vacuum." Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
@SomthinBoutSara: Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
@SamuelHLowe: - I'd like to make a reservation. - Name? - Matthew McConaughey. - Can you spell that for me? - No.
@weinerdog4life: The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof