My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.