@MikeCanRant: if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot
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@RegularFred: Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn't a single werewolf left in the world. Werewolf: there isn't. I'm married.
@SardonicTart: How to beat depression: 1) Talk to someone 2) When that person says "just cheer up," beat that person with a baseball bat.
@BGH70: On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep… 2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
@Sean_Burgundy_: When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. I'm getting written up at Home Depot