@MikeCanRant: if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot
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@LuckyToken1: Five second rule? Pfft. What's the point of having an immune system if you're not going to use it?
@Paxochka: Now that Steve Jobs is gone we'll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia. WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?
@Scorpio1080: The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won't be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.