@NotthatAdamWest: If you hold the door open for me when I'm more than ten feet away, you aren't doing me a favor. You're making me exercise.
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@SirEviscerate: There are no atheists in parking lots where you've dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
@iinkedZombie: Wife: "Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!" Me: "Thanks! I've been working out!"
@notalogin: Wife: You're shirtless? *nods* W: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? W: Listen. You never listen. -Oh
@caperbc75: Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. "Make me look like this brother!"