If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
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[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
*Seductively hides in the woods
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
S M O L
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.