If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
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Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.