If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming