If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…