If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
You Might Also Like
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*