I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
You Might Also Like
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.