@SamuelHLowe: - If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you!
- Don't be selfish, think about the baby.
- What baby?
- Oh, so you're not pregnant?
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@sacha_is_good: "If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@Sickayduh: [First date] Her: I'm really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park Me: *looking under table* you didn't bring your dog?
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *explains idea* Boss: That's the dumbest idea ever Me:*clears throat* *repeats exact same idea in a British accent* Boss: Brilliant!
@thatcarlygirl: Them: "How's your diet going?" Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
@haleysfalling: i've dated so many tools i could open a home depot
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