Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 馃槨
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Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: *eating 8鈥檚 M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don鈥檛 understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I鈥檓 feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Look, I just feel like I shouldn鈥檛 have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
This is why I hate group projects
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don鈥檛 want him to choose? Also yes
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”