Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.