@Reverend_Scott: If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you'll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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@LuvPug: Waiter: Can I get you something to drink? Me: just cheese dip Waiter: .... Me: With a straw please
@shawnspree: Me: (Insert inspirational quote here) Wife: Wow. That's deep, who said that? Me: I did. Didn't you hear me speak just now?
@GloriaFallon123: A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I'm "not afraid to eat bread"--so I'm done with socializing for at least a year thanks
@NicestHippo: [meeting a couple at dog park] "BARK BARK!" GF: He's usually not like this [pulls me aside] GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people