@Reverend_Scott: If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you'll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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@KentWGraham: If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
@AmishPornStar1: Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
@freypalm: Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER. Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
@TeaPartyCat: BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.