If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
What flavor cupcake are these
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?