@texasstalkermom: If you keep laughing then you'll always have the last laugh.
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@kDuncanG: I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength? ME: I’m good at untying knots INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
@daemonic3: Your honor, may I approach the bench? Judge: You may *benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps* The defense rests
@AndyAsAdjective: I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.