If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
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Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Lol.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.