If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit