If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
You Might Also Like
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫