IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
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axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.