If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
How dramatic are you?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation