I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
For the baby who has everything
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school