If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Me sliding into hell like
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I didn’t come here to be called names
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Banking tips
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
this will hang in the louvre one day
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.