If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Netflix: We have Less
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
When ur friends with white people
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.