If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Meow
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*