If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
The Struggle
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
See..?
.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.