If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
decorating my apartment
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over