If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.