If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂