If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
You Might Also Like
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.