If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.