If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.