@BeardSpice: If you leave your house with one leg, that's going out on a limb.
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@GABBYdaAngSaya: [After reading vows] Me: Why are you upset? Her: Me: Was it the Donald- Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
@Allison_Tolman: Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys. Me: Like sitting on paper bags? Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner. Me: Oh.
@kyry5: [Girl's night out] Girl 1: Omg I haven't had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there Spider-Man's GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
@stephenjmolloy: [Tour of an olive oil factory] Guide: This is where we squash the olives. [Tour of a baby oil factory] Guide: You don't want to go in there