me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
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I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments