You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.