If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
my dad has had enough
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years