@CakeThrottle: If you lie down on the floor in McDonald's you get to meet the manager
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@SteveKoehler22: IKEA furniture will now snap together will no tools or hardware. The company boasts that it will save thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
@daemonic3: [spelling bee] Judge: Your word is McConaughey McConaughey. M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey. Did I get it? Judge: We have no idea
@Mikecanrant: Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.
@CommonSavant: I use my neighbor's outdoor jacuzzi for bubble bath time with my cat. I'd invite him, but my cat's funny about bathing with strangers.